With school starting back up, along with All.The.Activities, mental load has been on my mind quite a bit. Below you will find some info regarding mental load, as well as some tips for making things more manageable.
What is Mental Load?
Mental Load is a term for the invisible labor that is involved in managing a family and household, and something that is typically a burden that women in the family take on. It is the cognitive effort required to complete tasks and manage situations. Mental load includes the mental preparation that goes into organizing tasks AND the actual work that needs to be done (scienceofpeople.com). Think about all those things running through your mind on a constant basis - packing lunches, juggling music classes, sports, getting all the kids dressed and out the door on time, arranging rides when kids have conflicting schedules, cleaning, dishes, bills, groceries, meal planning, birthday parties, play dates - all of this is mental load and something we deal with all day, every day. You likely feel like your to-do list is never ending. When you add all of this to working a full-time job as well, things can get a little crazy!
Mental load is one of the things that leads to feeling over stimulated, something A LOT of moms struggle with. This is something that is clearly not going away, so what can we do to make it more manageable?
1. Check in on your breathing. When we are feeling overwhelmed, our breath typically becomes quicker and more shallow - stopping and starting in your chest. Take a minute to focus on your breathing. Are your breaths coming from your chest or belly? If they are coming from your chest, you want to focus on taking deep, slow breaths, focusing on your diaphragm (also called belly breaths). After five minutes of slow, deep breathing both your body and mind will feel calmer. This is an exercise you can do anytime, anywhere. If you have trouble slowing down your breathing, there are many apps that will help you count with your breathing which will in turn regulate the breaths. This is also a great exercise to use when experiencing racing thoughts at night.
2. Oh, did someone say racing thoughts? This is super common as well - thinking about ALL the things we need to accomplish the next day. Take a few minutes to slow your breathing. If this doesn’t calm the thoughts, you may need to make a quick list of what you want to accomplish the next day. Getting your thoughts “out” and down on paper can be super helpful. Other good methods are using a sound machine and focusing your mind on the soothing noise, progressive muscle relaxation, and repeating a soothing mantra in your mind.
3. Delegate! What are your kids capable of? Are you doing too much? Yes, your 7 year old is capable of packing a lunch, getting dressed, and brushing teeth and hair. For lunches, have a designated cabinet, shelf, and place in the fridge where they can easily pick a couple of lunch options. Have containers and baggies in this area as well.
4. Get organized! This doesn’t mean running out to the container stores and spending $200 on cute clear bins. This means getting a schedule together in whatever way works for you - paper calendar, dry erase board, calendar app - whatever will keep everyone in the family on the same page. Being able to see what is happening over the next week allows you to feel more in control, and better able to make a plan.
5. “It takes a village” This saying is around for a reason. Historically extended family members and neighbors were more hands on in caring for children, allowing parents to get a break once in a while. Unfortunately society has moved away from this and families tend to find themselves on an island doing everything on their own. Organize a car pool for those practices your kids have every single night. Get together for group dinners. Talk with friends and neighbors about a date night schedule, so everyone has an opportunity for much-needed kid free time.
6. Take some time for yourself each day for self care. Even if this is just 15 minutes where you stay up later or get up earlier. Do something calming, a mini workout, scroll your social media (not my fav suggestion), meditate, have your coffee - something that is just for you and only you!
7. Manage your expectations. Keep in mind the 40 hour work week was made official in 1940 - this was a time when jobs provided enough income that one parent could work outside the home and one parent stayed home to manage the household. Times have drastically changed since then, with most households having both parents working outside the home. As a result we feel pressured to “do it all”. Take some time to evaluate what is most important for you and your family. Would you like to have more family time at home? More time to travel? More time to volunteer? Maybe your kids don’t have to be involved in every single activity available to them. Maybe it’s time to prioritize those vacation days that have been piling up at work. Don’t be afraid to think outside the box, and be open to doing things a little differently. Let go of that perfectionistic mindset, a little at a time.
Change is hard, saying “no” to extra activities is hard, and delegating responsibilities is hard. Pick a suggestion or two that you think would work well for your family, and implement one at a time. Keep in mind the ultimate goal - lessening your mental load, stress, and anxiety. Good luck, and live well!
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